What to Expect in Grief
By Patricia D Freudenberg
The Bargaining Stage
During the bargaining stage of grief, it’s common to find yourself clinging to hope in ways you never imagined. This stage often follows the initial shock and emotional upheaval, and brings with it a mix of yearning and desperation. You might find yourself making silent promises or imagining “what if” scenarios—hoping that somehow, some way, the outcome could be different.
“If only I had called sooner.” “What if we tried another treatment?” “I promise to be a better person if only this pain would go away.”
These thoughts don’t make you irrational—they make you human. Bargaining is a natural part of the grief journey where we attempt to negotiate with a higher power, with fate, or even within ourselves, trying to restore some kind of order in a world that suddenly feels upside down. It’s an effort to regain control when so much feels lost.
This is also a time when many seek spiritual answers, engage in rituals, or revisit past decisions, hoping for peace or reversal. It’s not unusual to replay moments over and over, searching for meaning. While these mental negotiations may never yield a new outcome, they often provide a temporary emotional cushion—a way to process what happened before fully accepting it.
Eventually, as reality continues to unfold, we come to recognize the limitations of these bargains. That recognition, while painful, gently nudges us closer to acceptance. Not the kind of acceptance that means everything is okay—but rather, the kind that says, “This happened. And now I must begin to live with it.”
Backed by Insight: According to Stanford Medicine, during the bargaining stage individuals often feel a deep sense of guilt and seek meaning in the loss. Understanding that these feelings are part of the natural progression of grief can help bring clarity and healing. (Source: Stanford Children’s Health – Grief and Bereavement Resources below)
Stanford grief-and-bereavement
Prompt for Reflection: What “if only” thoughts have surfaced in your own grief? Write them down, acknowledge them with grace, and gently remind yourself that love, not blame, is the thread that holds memory and healing together.
Book Recommendation:
For further guidance on navigating grief and finding purpose through legacy, I invite you to read my book, Live Your Legacy: A New Spin on Mourning, available on Amazon. This resource offers tools, reflections, and comfort for those seeking meaningful grief recovery and emotional renewal.
Available now on Amazon ⬇️
© 2025 Patricia D. Freudenberg, Certified End-of-Life Coach. All Rights Reserved
