Do’s and Don’ts
This month, we’re diving into grief etiquette. Let’s be honest—none of us are born with a life manual. So when it comes to navigating loss—whether you’re experiencing it or supporting someone else—there’s no perfect way. But there are some compassionate #etiquette tips that help us walk a little more gently alongside one another.
Etiquette, after all, is rooted in common sense—and as my grandma used to say, common sense isn’t always so common.
Now, grief is a personal journey. There are no absolute rights or wrongs. But when you’re on the other side of grief—trying to be present for someone mourning—there are better ways to connect, and today, we’re starting simple.
Let’s talk about the classic go-to: “How are you?”
It’s automatic. It’s human. It comes from a place of love. And guess what? You’re still going to ask it—and that’s okay. We’re not here to shame that instinct—we’re here to guide it.
So here’s the gentle etiquette suggestion: When you do ask “How are you?”, be mindful. Consider making it a two-part question to soften the emotional weight. For example: “How are you… are you sleeping?”
This version gives them an easier way in. Sleep is universal. It’s a less intense entry point, and it lets them share without feeling like they need to explain or perform emotionally. It’s also incredibly revealing—poor sleep can point to stress, anxiety, or depression. On the other hand, not being able to get out of bed could signal another form of emotional overwhelm.
I first learned about this sleep-based check-in technique from a psychologist who conducted significant research around grief communication. Her studies emphasized that asking about sleep allows for a safer emotional response. From there, I built upon this wisdom through my own training as a certified end-of-life coach and years of experience in grief recovery rooms. I’ve seen how this small shift in language can make a world of difference.
Also, let’s not forget—some people can even feel overwhelmed by kindness or kudos. Yes, even compliments can cause discomfort. For someone grieving, a well-meaning “you’re so strong” might make them feel pressured to keep up an image when they’re crumbling inside. Others may feel embarrassed or red-faced by attention of any kind, especially in one-on-one moments. So tread lightly. Kindness is a gift—but like all gifts, timing and presentation matter.
So, here’s your take-away: You can still ask “How are you?”—just cushion it. Add a gentle follow-up that opens the door without pushing them through it. Let your compassion be guided by sensitivity, not assumption.
Because love is in the intention, and compassion is in the delivery. Let’s keep showing up with heart.
With love and care,
Patricia Freudenberg, AKA, Patty from New York Certified End-of-Life Coach | Author | Host | Advocate https://miss-u-gram.com
© 2025 Patricia Freudenberg, Certified End-of-Life Coach. All Rights Reserved.
