By Patricia Freudenberg, Certified End-of-Life Coach
In this volume of the Grief Etiquette series, we explore the powerful theme of Time and Space—not only in the figurative sense, but also in its most literal, healing form.
As a certified end-of-life coach, one of the most thought-provoking questions I encountered—actually on my final exam—was this: How long is it recommended to wait before addressing the personal belongings of a deceased loved one? The answer may surprise you. It’s a month.
Yes, a full month. You might be tempted to rush into clearing things out—some might even encourage you to do so quickly, saying, “They’re not here anymore,” or “Just put it away and move on.” But grief doesn’t follow a calendar, and neither should your healing process. Of course, there are legal or logistical matters that are time-sensitive, and those must be addressed promptly. Memorials and funerals also fall under that category. But beyond the urgent, there’s the essential: your heart, your memories, your peace.
Giving yourself at least a month to process before going through the personal effects can make all the difference. This time allows for clarity. It creates a pause that enables you to reflect, to cry, to remember, to feel. And even in the sadness, there can be a sense of connection—a nostalgic comfort through the tears.
This window of time also helps you discern:
Do you want to donate certain items to charity?
Pass them down to a family member?
Create a keepsake to honor the memory?
Or simply hold on a little longer?
The month-long buffer isn’t arbitrary; it’s based on psychological and physiological research—fundamentals rooted in how the human brain and body process loss. Hastily removing reminders can cause unresolved emotions like guilt or regret to fester. And at the same time, clinging indefinitely can stunt healing. Balance is the key.
But what if circumstances don’t allow you that luxury? Maybe you must vacate a home due to a lease ending or relocation. If that’s the case, carefully place everything in boxes and revisit them after a month. Let that time give you breathing room—mentally and emotionally—to decide what truly serves your healing.
Now, let’s talk about space. Look around you when you are ready to begin this sacred task. The space where memories live can speak volumes. Let the memories that bring light guide you. Allow yourself to reflect—what feels like love? What can stay? What can be transformed?
And to those supporting a grieving loved one: don’t rush them. Don’t push your own timeline or project your discomfort onto their process. I’ve witnessed too many well-meaning people unknowingly bully someone through their grief journey. Unless the circumstances are urgent, your role is to be present, not in control. Encourage private prayer, offer your support, and hold back on advice until the time is right. Let their heart lead the way.
I may not have invented these practices, but I wholeheartedly endorse them. Through the stories of those I’ve served, and from my own personal testimony, I can tell you—there is profound truth in giving both time and space. Not just figuratively, but literally.
Let us continue to grieve with grace, and allow ourselves the dignity of discernment.
© 2025 Patricia Freudenberg, Certified End-of-Life Coach. All Rights Reserved.
