Ignorant Compassion: Volume 3 – Grief Etiquette, Do’s and Don’ts

By Patricia Freudenberg, Certified End-of-Life Coach

Grief is sacred ground. When someone is experiencing profound loss, even the kindest intentions can land with unintended harm. In today’s volume of Grief Etiquette: Do’s and Don’ts, we are shedding light on what I call “Ignorant Compassion.”

This term is not meant to insult, but to educate. So often, words we offer from a place of love can deeply wound those in mourning — not because we are heartless, but because we don’t realize the impact.

In my grief recovery room, a safe space I hold as a Certified End-of-Life Coach, countless brave individuals have shared testimonies of how certain common phrases left them feeling more isolated rather than supported.

Let’s explore a few:

“Oh, I can’t imagine…”

This phrase, although well-meaning, often hits hard. It implies distance — a disconnection. The griever already feels alone. And when we say we “can’t imagine,” it reinforces that loneliness.

Here’s a truth: we don’t want to imagine. It’s human nature — a survival instinct. As the old saying goes, “If we all put our problems in a bucket, we’d likely still choose our own.” But this subconscious distancing can feel patronizing, even if it’s meant to be comforting.

“How are you so strong? I could never be.”

Another phrase wrapped in a bow of admiration — yet it carries a subtle sting. This statement often comes off as if the speaker is placing themselves above the griever, marveling at their endurance as if they’re not allowed to fall apart. It implies that their strength is abnormal — and that grief must be endured silently and stoically.

Let me be clear: grievers don’t want a gold medal in strength. They want love, presence, patience, and compassion.

So what can we say?

Sometimes, the best support is silence — sacred presence without pressure. But if you feel compelled to speak, try:

“I’m here with you.”

“There are no words, but I’m holding space for your pain.”

“Help me understand how this feels for you.”

These are open-hearted invitations — not conclusions — that offer comfort without comparison, and empathy without ego.

Remember, grief is not a problem to be fixed or a wound to be minimized. It’s a process to be witnessed.

We’re all learning, and it’s okay to get it wrong sometimes. When we do, a sincere apology can go a long way. But let’s also choose our words with care, because once spoken, they cannot be unheard.

Let’s keep showing up for one another — not with ignorant compassion, but with informed empathy and a humble heart.

With grace, Patricia Freudenberg (aka Patty from New York) Founder of Miss-U-Gram | Host of A New Spin on Mourning | Certified End-of-Life Coach

© 2025 Patricia Freudenberg, Certified End-of-Life Coach. All Rights Reserved.