Note to Self: Hey, I still love you

In my work as a certified end-of-life coach, I am constantly reminded of the profound, often unspoken love we continue to hold for those we’ve lost. This love lingers within us, casting shadows and light in equal measure, shaping our grief and our healing. Yet, amidst this devotion to their memory, we sometimes forget one essential truth: we need to love ourselves, too. We are, after all, still here, still breathing, still tasked with tending to our own well-being. And part of that duty, as challenging as it might seem, includes self-care and self-compassion.

Grief is never a linear journey, and the path to recovery is often tangled with obstacles. When it comes to caring for ourselves, these obstacles can feel insurmountable. But acknowledging and understanding these pain points is a step forward—a step toward giving ourselves permission to heal, even if that healing feels slow and uncertain.

Pain Points in Self-Care During Grief

1. Guilt: It’s common to feel that caring for ourselves during grief somehow detracts from the love we feel for those we’ve lost. We may think, “I should be focusing on them, not on me.” But self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary. Just as we once showed them love through our care, we can now show ourselves love through self-care.

2. Isolation: Grief often makes us withdraw. It’s an instinctual retreat into solitude, yet this isolation can keep us from the very connections that would support our self-care. Reaching out is difficult but vital—reminding us that even as we grieve, we are not alone.

3. Emotional Overwhelm: Grief brings waves of intense emotion that can make even the smallest acts of self-care feel like Herculean tasks. Just the thought of preparing a meal, going for a walk, or engaging in simple activities may feel daunting. And yet, if we can gently begin, even with one small act, we can start to reclaim these moments for ourselves.

4. Lack of Energy: Grieving is exhausting. It takes an emotional and physical toll, often draining our reserves. Self-care requires energy, but even the smallest steps—like resting or allowing ourselves quiet moments—can slowly replenish our strength.

5. Uncertainty: Sometimes, we simply don’t know how to take care of ourselves when we’re in pain. The routines we used to rely on may no longer serve us, and it can feel confusing to figure out what we need. But self-care doesn’t need to be elaborate; it can begin with tiny, familiar actions that bring even a small sense of peace.

Importance of Self-Compassion in Recovery

In the same way that self-care can help us heal, self-compassion provides a steady foundation for our grief journey. Practicing self-compassion means embracing kindness toward ourselves, especially when life feels hardest.

1. Validation of Feelings: Self-compassion starts with allowing ourselves to feel our grief without judgment. There’s no “wrong” way to grieve, and accepting our feelings can make the path to healing just a little gentler.

2. Reduction of Self-Criticism: Grief often brings a chorus of critical inner voices. “I should be over this by now,” or “I’m handling this all wrong.” Self-compassion replaces these judgments with kindness, nurturing a gentler way of speaking to ourselves.

3. Encouragement to Heal: When we care for ourselves, we give ourselves permission to heal. Self-compassion is a reminder that taking time for ourselves is not indulgent; it’s essential. We honor our loved ones by choosing to live fully and to heal as we go.

4. Cultivating Resilience: Resilience doesn’t mean being strong all the time. It means allowing ourselves to feel deeply, to grieve, to stumble—and to rise again, knowing we have the capacity to keep going. Self-compassion is the safety net that allows us to navigate these highs and lows with grace.

5. Fostering Connection: When we practice self-compassion, we connect with our shared humanity, remembering that others, too, have walked this path of grief and healing. This connection reminds us that we are not alone, and that our pain, as unique as it feels, is also universal.

A Path Toward Healing

Incorporating self-care and self-compassion into our lives during grief can feel foreign at first, even uncomfortable. But they are the very acts that bring us closer to ourselves and honor those we’ve lost by tending to the life they would want us to continue living. Recovery doesn’t mean forgetting or moving on; it means learning to carry our love and our loss with a sense of grace and tenderness.

So, here’s my note to self, and perhaps to you as well: “Hey, I still love you.” Let it serve as a reminder that amidst the heartache and the memories, there is room for love directed inward. Because loving ourselves is not only part of the healing journey—it is the journey. As we navigate this path, may we find comfort in the knowledge that caring for ourselves is one of the most profound ways to honor those we hold close to our hearts.

Copyright © 2025 Patricia Freudenberg, Certified End-of-Life Coach. All Rights Reserved.