Remember Them: Grief Etiquette Do’s and Don’ts, Volume 16

By Patricia D. Freudenberg

Why do we grieve? Why do we show up to support someone who’s grieving? These might seem like obvious or even redundant questions—but sometimes the most obvious truths are the ones worth revisiting.

The answer, for many of us, is simple: because we love them.

Whether you are the one grieving or the one offering support, the common denominator is love. But love doesn’t end at the goodbye. In fact, love continues through the very act of remembering.

Remember Them. Because remembrance is not just a sentimental activity—it’s an act of honor. It’s a signal to the world and to the soul that someone mattered. And that is why we show up. We remember them because they meant something. They still do.

Now, there may be individuals who say they don’t wish to be remembered. And while we can respect that sentiment, I believe as humans, we innately seek meaning. We want our lives to matter. And part of that meaning is in being remembered—through stories, photos, laughter, tears, and even silent moments of reflection.

From a psychological perspective, the act of remembering has been shown to aid in the grieving process. A Stanford University study on memory and emotional regulation revealed that reflecting on positive memories of a loved one can activate the brain’s reward system, offering a sense of comfort and continuity. In other words, remembering can help heal.

When we remember, we affirm legacy. And as an end-of-life coach who brings legacy to the forefront as the seventh step of grief recovery, I see this moment—this choice to remember—as the very first step. Legacy starts with appreciation. Appreciation starts with remembering.

So whether you light a candle, share a story, create art, pray, or simply whisper their name—you’re building legacy. You’re bringing light to the tunnel.

Because “Everybody Wants To Be Remembered“.

Recommended Reading: To dive deeper into the sacred practice of remembrance and grief, I recommend The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller. This beautiful and healing book explores how communal and personal rituals help us honor the lives of those we’ve lost. It echoes the importance of creating space to remember—and how that remembering becomes part of our healing.

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© 2025 Patricia D. Freudenberg, Certified End-of-Life Coach. All Rights Reserved.