Tell Them: Grief, Etiquette, Do’s and Don’ts Volume 7

In this edition of our ongoing series, we take a deeply human turn to focus on a difficult but essential truth: the necessity of telling them. This volume is inspired by the teachings of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the Swiss-American psychiatrist widely known as the pioneer in the field of near-death studies and author of the seminal book, On Death and Dying (1969). In it, she introduced the groundbreaking Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Her work changed how the world approaches end-of-life care and grief support. In the decades since, these five stages have been expanded by thought leaders like David Kessler, who added Stage Six: Finding Meaning, and myself, Patricia D. Freudenberg, as I now teach and coach on Stage Seven: Legacy, the light at the end of the tunnel—the stage where recovery, honor, and transformation take root.

The Harm of Withholding the Truth In On Death and Dying, Kübler-Ross describes numerous case studies where patients and family members were emotionally harmed not by death itself, but by the silence that surrounded it. One of her most compelling arguments is that not telling someone a loved one is dying—or has died—can do long-term psychological damage. The intention is usually to protect, but the result is emotional injury.

The truth is healing. Denying someone the opportunity to say goodbye, to prepare emotionally, and to be part of that sacred transition creates distance, distrust, and delayed grief.

Children Need to Know Too This truth is doubly important when it comes to children. Too often, they are the ones most shielded, hidden from the emotional realities of death. While the instinct to “protect them from sadness” is understandable, it is ultimately harmful.

Children are incredibly intuitive. They sense when something is wrong, and in the absence of facts, they imagine possibilities—many of which are worse than the truth. They may feel something is their fault, or that something bad is happening that no one is explaining.

As Kübler-Ross affirmed and as I’ve seen firsthand, children are more resilient than we give them credit for. When supported in a safe and loving environment, they can process grief in ways that are honest and adaptive. Including them in the process builds emotional strength and establishes lifelong trust.

The Psychological Fallout Not being told about a death can result in a range of emotional reactions, from confusion and abandonment to guilt and resentment. These feelings may go underground, only to surface later in harmful patterns—emotional shutdown, mistrust, or health issues.

Whether child or adult, people need to be included in truth-telling during times of loss.

The DO’s and DON’Ts:

DO share the truth with loved ones, including children, using gentle, age-appropriate language.

DON’T assume silence is safer. Silence is often more terrifying than truth.

DO give people the opportunity to say goodbye.

DON’T rob them of closure out of fear or discomfort.

DO reassure children they are safe, loved, and supported through their feelings.

Recommended Reading: To deepen your understanding, I highly recommend On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. It remains a cornerstone of grief work and end-of-life care.

Available: Here on Amazon

In Closing As Kübler-Ross so eloquently taught us, grief is not a pathology—it is a passage. And passages require open doors. We must create those doors through honesty. When we tell them, we don’t just deliver news—we deliver love in its purest, most respectful form.

Tell the spouse. Tell the sibling. Tell the child. Tell them—because the truth, though difficult, is the beginning of healing.

With compassion and legacy, Patricia D Freudenberg Certified End-of-Life Coach Host of A New Spin on Mourning Founder & CEO of Miss-U-Gram

© 2025 Patricia D Freudenberg, Certified End-of-Life Coach. All Rights Reserved.