Don’t Tell Me How I Feel

Grief Etiquette Do’s and Don’ts:   Volume 5

By Patricia D. Freudenberg

When someone is grieving, even the most well-meaning words can unintentionally do harm. One of the most important—but often overlooked—pieces of grief etiquette is this: Don’t tell someone how they feel.

At first glance, it might seem obvious—or even unnecessary—to mention. But in real-time moments, we often do it unconsciously. We say things like: “You must be devastated.” “I know how you feel.” “You’re probably still in shock.”

We think we’re connecting. We want them to know they’re seen. But the truth is, grief is deeply personal, and only the person experiencing it can truly describe what it feels like. Even if we’ve faced similar losses, no one can live another person’s internal world.

By telling someone how they feel, we may unintentionally silence their voice, place them in a box they didn’t ask to be in, or even trigger deeper pain—especially in the early days of loss.

What can we do instead? We can ask. Ask with kindness, curiosity, and care:

“How are you feeling in this moment?”

“Do you feel like sharing what’s been coming up for you?”

“What would feel supportive for you right now?”

Sometimes, there won’t be words. Sometimes, silence is the only language grief can speak. And that’s okay too. Just holding space without assumptions is powerful.

If the griever does open up, validate, don’t interpret.

“I hear you.”

“That makes sense.”

“It seems like this is really heavy for you right now.”

Even if their feelings appear “obvious,” let them be the first to express them. Then you can reflect back and support them—not by projecting, but by standing beside them.

Grief is a first-person experience. As supporters, let’s honor that by creating space, not filling it.

Prompt for Reflection:

Have you ever found yourself assuming someone’s emotions during their time of grief?

How might it feel to ask instead of assume?

Take a moment to reflect on how you can hold space for someone this week—without needing to fill it.

© 2025 Patricia Freudenberg, Certified End-of-Life Coach. All Rights Reserved.