Don’t Tell Me How to Feel: GRIEF ETIQUETTE, DO’S AND DON’TS  Volume 6

By Patricia D Freudenberg Certified End-of-Life Coach | Author | Founder of Miss-U-Gram

“Don’t Tell Me How to Feel”: Understanding Projection in Grief Support

Grief is one of the most personal experiences anyone can go through. Yet, often, the pain of loss is met with well-meaning but misplaced responses. One of the most common—and harmful—reactions comes in the form of emotional projection.

You’ve heard it. Or maybe you’ve even said it:

“Don’t be sad. Be happy—they’re in a better place.” “You need to get out and have some fun.” “You should be feeling better by now.”

These phrases often stem from love, not judgment. But here’s the thing: good intentions don’t always land as healing gestures.

The Science Behind Emotional Projection

To understand this phenomenon, we can turn to the work of Dr. Karl Deisseroth, a renowned psychiatrist and neuroscientist. Dr. Deisseroth, who holds an MBA from Harvard and earned his doctorate at Stanford University, has conducted significant research in the field of human emotion and empathy. He is particularly known for exploring the mechanisms of mental health and how our brains respond to trauma and emotional distress.

According to his studies, projection often occurs as a defense mechanism. When someone sees another person suffering, their brain subconsciously projects how they would feel in the same situation—or worse, how they think the person should feel based on their own emotional template.

This is not empathy. This is assumption.

Why It’s Harmful

Projection can unintentionally invalidate a grieving person’s feelings. When someone says, “You should smile more,” they may be trying to lighten the mood—but to the griever, it can feel like a denial of their pain.

Dr. Deisseroth explains that emotional regulation and expression are deeply tied to individual neurobiological and environmental experiences. There’s no one-size-fits-all. When grief is met with projection, it disrupts the natural emotional process and can lead to emotional suppression, guilt, or shame.

Do’s and Don’ts

DON’T:

Say things like “cheer up” or “move on.”

Push your personal beliefs about timing or emotions.

Assume you understand someone’s grief based on your own experience.

DO:

Listen without interrupting or fixing.

Acknowledge their right to feel whatever they feel.

Say: “I’m here for you,” or “That sounds really hard.”

Allow silence to speak volumes—it often does.

For the Griever, Too

Even if you are the one grieving, beware of projecting judgment onto yourself. You might feel pressure to be “strong,” “grateful,” or “happy again” because others expect it. That’s projection internalized. Let yourself be human. Let yourself feel.

Closing Words

Dr. Deisseroth’s research affirms what many of us sense intuitively: grief cannot be boxed in or fast-forwarded. It’s messy, sacred, and deserves respect. So next time someone tells you how to feel—pause, breathe, and remember: You are allowed to feel exactly what you’re feeling.

Let’s replace projection with presence. That is how healing begins.

Stay connected. Subscribe to Legacy Cafe and share this with someone who could use a reminder that in grief, there are no shortcuts—only safe spaces.

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Recommended Reading

To further explore the science of human emotion and projection, consider reading:

Dr. Karl Deisseroth – Projections: A Story of Human Emotions This insightful book blends neuroscience and psychiatry through real patient stories, illustrating how mental illness can illuminate the biology of our emotional world. It’s a powerful companion piece to understanding grief, empathy, and the impact of emotional projection. Available at:

Amazon – Projections by Karl Deisseroth

For a more in-depth understanding, you might find this discussion featuring Dr. Deisseroth insightful:

© 2025 Patricia D Freudenberg, Certified End-of-Life Coach. All Rights Reserved.