The Elephant in the Room: Grief Etiquette Do’s and Don’ts, Volume 8

Grief is often likened to an elephant in the room—immense and impossible to ignore. While supporters of the bereaved may have good intentions, it’s crucial to avoid minimizing the griever’s feelings, as this can be inadvertently harmful.

The Harm of Minimization Statements like “You’ll get over it soon” or “At least they lived a long life” may aim to provide comfort but can make the bereaved feel that their pain is being dismissed. Acknowledging the depth of their sorrow is vital, especially during the tender first year of mourning.

The Importance of Allowing the Process Trusting and allowing the grieving process to unfold naturally is essential. While outsiders might perceive the world as full of possibilities, for the griever, their current world may feel overwhelmingly consumed by loss. It’s not about rushing the recovery, but rather embracing every step of the journey—tears, anger, stillness, and even the silence.

What Can We Do? Instead of offering platitudes, consider these supportive actions:

Active Listening – Listen without judgment or interruption. Allow them to share memories, express emotions, or even sit in silence.

Offer Specific Assistance – Offer concrete help like preparing a meal, assisting with errands, or accompanying them to appointments.

Recommend Professional Support – Gently suggest resources such as grief counselors or support groups.

Be Patient and Present – Understand that grief doesn’t have a set timeline. Continue to check in, even months after the loss, showing that your support is enduring.

Research & Reading Recommendation Studies show that suppressing emotions can lead to elevated stress and physiological strain. Stanford University research supports the idea that emotional suppression can intensify stress responses and have lasting effects on mental and physical health.

Resource found here:  https://med.stanford.edu/survivingcancer/cancer-and-stress/reducing-cancer-stress.html?utm_source=chatgpt.com

For those seeking deeper understanding, I recommend The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss by Mary-Frances O’Connor. This insightful book explores how the brain processes grief and why allowing emotions to be felt—rather than minimized—is essential to healing.

You can find it on Amazon here: ⬇️

https://amzn.to/4ibIa8e

In Conclusion The “elephant in the room” may be obvious to everyone, but how we acknowledge it can make all the difference. The goal isn’t to shrink it or cover it with clichés, but to gently sit beside it with those who grieve. By refraining from minimizing statements and offering patient, present support, we help others find their way through grief and, eventually, back to light.

© 2025 Patricia D Freudenberg, Certified End-of-Life Coach. All Rights Reserved.